Poor communication is at the root of many problems between parents and teens, and it can be really hard to get it right. If you can communicate well with each other – even if it's only for some of the time – you'll stand a much better chance of sorting out problems, or even preventing them.
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1. Listen well
Teens: Even if you're convinced your parents have got it totally wrong, listen to their viewpoint and have a think about it. Maybe there is something in what they have to say.
Parents: Resist the urge to hold forth, and do teenagers the courtesy of listening, otherwise you'll never understand what motivates them. Take them seriously and be open to changing your opinion. Teens aren't always wrong! Remember that teenagers don't have your experience of debating, so don't try to score points off them in an argument. Keep a sense of humour, and remember your own teens. Did you find it easy to communicate with your parents?
2. Negotiate and compromise to reach solutions
Teens: Try to see your parents' point of view, and look for solutions with them. Be a bit flexible.
Parents: The days are gone when you could tell your child what to do and expect unquestioning obedience. It's time for a new approach, so rather than laying down the law, leave room for manoeuvre and be willing to negotiate if at all possible. Work towards compromises that make you both reasonably happy. Be very clear about the boundaries, but remember that teenagers are always changing, so a rule that worked six months ago might need a rethink.
3. Make your message clear
Teens: Try to tell your parents all the facts they need so that you can both make a decision about what to do. If you leave out half the information, then you're setting up problems for later on. Be specific if you're upset about something – don't make your parents play guessing games, or hope they'll somehow read your mind.
Parents: Think through what you want to say before you start a discussion with your teenager. Say 'no' when you mean 'no', and be consistent, but don't refuse permission without a good reason and make it a policy to say 'yes' whenever you can.
4. Accept other people's views (even if you don't agree with them)
Teens: Try to keep an open mind and listen to what your parent is saying. Remember, your parents want to do the best for you, so don't dismiss everything they say as rubbish.
Parents: You'll have a much better chance of sustaining a good relationship with teenagers if you can try to understand where they're coming from, and really listen to their point of view. Be flexible and willing to shift your opinion. If that's not possible, then agree to differ.
5. Be courteous
Teens: Swearing, refusing to answer or being rude never go down well with parents, and mean you'll end up in a row. You're much more likely to get a result if you keep your cool when you're trying to have a conversation. If you're angry about something, calm down, then go back and try to talk about it.
Parents: Even if teens aren't always polite to you, it's better to try and give a positive role model and show them a better way to communicate. Nagging, criticising, sarcasm and being patronising are enough to make teens switch off as soon as you open your mouth. Listen to the way you talk to your teenagers. Would you like it if someone treated you like that? If not, try a different approach.
6. Stick to one topic at a time
Teens: Your parents are more likely to listen if you ask for one thing at a time rather than bombarding them with demands.
Parents: Teenagers tend to live 'in the moment' and can't project into the future to see the consequences of today's actions in the same way that you can. Slamming into them about how they'll never get a job if they don't do their schoolwork doesn't mean very much. Keep discussions rooted in the here and now and tackle one small part of a larger problem at a time, rather than trying to solve everything in one go. Avoid saying '…and another thing…'. Stick to what's relevant.
7. Check that you've understood
Teens: If you're not sure what your parents mean, or what the groundrules are, ask.
Parents: If your message is at all ambiguous, you'll probably end up in an argument later about what you really said. At the end of a conversation, have a quick recap to check that you've both agreed on the same thing.
8. Emphasise positive feelings
Teens: Say thanks to your parents if they do something for you. Remember that they have feelings too and need to know that you still love them, even while you are growing up and growing away from them.
Parents: If you're having a rough ride with your teenagers it's easy to stop showing that you still love them, even when you don't like what they're doing. Teenagers can seem full of bravado, but underneath it all, they still want your love. You don't have to say, 'I love you', if that's not your style. You can show how much you care by taking a genuine interest in their lives and letting them know that you're there for them, whatever happens.
9. Never stop talking
Teens: You might not always feel like talking to your parents, but if you can't share all of your big stuff with them, try to find a friend or another adult who you can confide in. Don't keep all your feelings bottled up inside.
Parents: If teens are dismissive or monosyllabic, don't close the doors of communication. Keep trying. You can tell your teens how it feels to you when they won't talk, but don't labour the point too much. Teenagers are always changing, and the young person who talks in grunts can blossom into someone who will have a reasoned conversation. Make sure you're still listening when that happens.
10. Give each other time
Teens: It's normal to want to spend less and less time with your parents as you get older, but don't cut yourself off completely. Be there for family occasions, and try to touch base for a chat every day.
Parents: Even when your own life is over-full, make it a priority to squeeze in more time than you think you can afford to be with your teens. Make lots of easy opportunities to talk. Don't be too formal about it. Share a cup of tea round the table, chat while you wash up, talk in the car. Watch TV together and talk about the plot lines, or turn the telly off sometimes to make space for a conversation. Keep on talking and you'll both reap the benefits over the years to come.
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